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frameofmind6Title: Learning Curve
Author: FrameofMind
Rating: R
Word Count: ~1,500
Genre: Drama/Romance
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction.
Summary: Jin didn’t really know what gay was when he met Kazuya.
Author’s Note: I followed a train of thought, and this is where it led me. Vaguely inspired by Stephen Fry’s first autobiography, Moab Is My Washpot. (Um…very vaguely, I should stress…)
Learning Curve
Jin didn’t really know what gay was when he met Kazuya.
He knew it was bad. He knew it was something you didn’t want to be. It could ruin your career before it even started. It made you weak and cowardly and strange. It was gross. It was pathetic. Gay meant you would never have any friends and you’d grow up and everyone would hate you and call you names and laugh behind your back as you walked by and give you pitying looks, but not really pity you. Gay meant you were broken.
Jin didn’t ever want to be gay.
But he still didn’t know what it was.
It wasn’t sex. It wasn’t handjobs in the locker rooms or noticing guys’ asses in the shower. It wasn’t seeing each other’s dicks in the bath and maybe even getting hard sometimes, which was funny, but it wasn’t gay. It wasn’t trading blowjobs after class and swigging beer from the machine on the corner with warm cheeks and a satisfied feeling low in your gut. It wasn’t wearing makeup or spending hours in front of the mirror doing your hair or dancing around a stage in sequins and feather boas, and it wasn’t tangling tongues and fumbling hands in the dressing room after the others had gone home. Those were just life. No girls allowed. A hand is a hand, a mouth is a mouth. So what if there’s soft cheekbones and eyeliner and a dick that isn’t yours. It’s just what you need. Everybody does it. As long as you’re not gay, it’s fine.
He wanted Kazuya the first time he saw him. No one else would have picked him out of that lineup, but Jin did. He didn’t even know what for then, because he was fourteen and his own hand was the only one he knew, and anyway he was two whole years older and Kazuya was practically a child and Jin still didn’t know how it worked. He jacked off to the magazine hidden under his mattress and he didn’t even imagine hands or mouths or swigging beer, until one day he saw a pair of them hidden in the subbasement making noises he didn’t know other people ever made. He asked later. Ryo told him the rules.
He watched Kazuya sometimes, even before he knew the rules. In the studio when they were drilling routines, and Kazuya had a huge scrape on his forearm from an ill-judged slide into second base. He was late sometimes, out of breath. He’d smile at Jin when he caught his eye, hold up the latest injured limb like a trophy, and Jin would feel that glow that definitely wasn’t gay, because gay was bad.
After a while the magazine stayed under his bed and it was Kazuya behind his eyelids, because that was okay. That wasn’t against the rules. Kazuya’s mouth in his mind wasn’t against the rules. Sometimes opening for him, sometimes just smiling with a smudge of dirt on his cheek. Pretty. No makeup. He didn’t wear makeup then.
The first time Kazuya touches him is up on the roof, tucked away in that alcove between the door to the stairwell and that little cement bunker that nobody knows what it’s for so they all just call it the safehouse. There’s a signal, nobody bothers anybody. Kazuya is fourteen and Jin is sixteen and Kazuya’s hand is down his pants and it’s nothing at all like his hand and his magazine, or even the Kazuya in his mind. He’s tiny, all limbs and sharp angles and strong for his size, and Jin gets weaker the harder he strokes, and Kazuya’s tongue is in his mouth, and it isn’t gay, not for a second, not even when he comes in Kazuya’s palm, because that’s the way it’s supposed to work. No girls allowed. A pretty boy is just the next best thing. And Jin’s hand next, and soon Kazuya is gasping and no one can hear him but Jin.
It’s stairwells and alcoves and subbasements from there, and Jin holds Kazuya against his chest and tastes the heat in his mouth, tastes Kazuya’s dick because that’s not against the rules either, and it’s not gay. Kazuya opens for Jin in his bedroom when his parents are away, and the magazine’s been thrown out ages ago, the pages stuck together, no longer needed because this is better.
Kazuya’s cheekbones get sharper, and so do his eyebrows, and Jin sees it now, sees the others looking at him. Picking him out of the crowd. Jin saw him first, and they can’t have him. They won’t have him, Kazuya’s smile tells him, and they hide out in a closet between classes just to say hello.
Late at night, when the house is empty except for the two of them, Jin lies beside him and looks down at those bony shoulders and feels how soft and strong they are underneath his fingers, and that laugh runs through him when he says something Kazuya likes. It’s warm, that glow, his smile and his dark eyes that see Jin like no one else sees him, and it’s Jin’s favorite time of day. They don’t swig beer from the machine, and they don’t blush, they just grin and press close, talk in low voices under the sheets until it’s so late it’s almost morning, and then they fall asleep. They’re both late the next day.
Jin turns eighteen, and it’s okay. It’s still not against the rules.
Kazuya turns eighteen and it’s not.
He’s Kame now, and his eyebrows are perfect, and his limbs are too sharp and stronger than ever and he doesn’t smile so much anymore. Jin doesn’t lie with him until all hours of the morning or meet him in the alcove or the subbasement, because that’s against the rules. Jin has girls now, a big slutty poster of one on his wall, and real ones who come back to his place and open for him, and it’s hot. They wear makeup and miniskirts and black lacey bras, and they make Jin come. They laugh and smile and he touches them everywhere, and that’s the way it’s supposed to work. It doesn’t run through him, except when Kame looks away. And maybe Kame has girls too, maybe loads of them, and when he smiles at them maybe they feel that thing that used to be Jin’s but it isn’t anymore. Because it’s against the rules.
Kame’s too close all the time. Too perfect, and it makes Jin’s skin crawl the way he looks in those jeans and he smiles at the screaming crowd. When he turns to Jin he’s still smiling but his eyes aren’t, and there’s nothing there at all, not even pretend. Not even Kazuya on the back of his eyelids. Jin leaves when he can’t stand it anymore. And he has dozens of girls, blondes with big breasts who call him “gin” and don’t hide their faces when they laugh. A hand is a hand and a mouth is a mouth, and there are soft cheekbones and eyeliner and sequins and English and nothing else. Jin comes as she sucks him and he can’t even smile anymore because he’s cold. Pathetic. Broken.
He doesn’t know what he is anymore.
Kame doesn’t smile for him when he comes back. Jin still isn’t there. The alcove is full and there’s a pair in the subbasement and Jin could have a thousand girls kneeling for him every night, but he doesn’t want that. He wants the thing he can’t have. He swigs beer and he checks out guys’ asses in the shower and he gets hard thinking of stuff that’s against the rules only now he doesn’t know why, because this is bad. This is alone, this is weak and cowardly and strange, this is broken. Jin and a girl and her wide eyes that aren’t Kame’s and her breasts and her mouth opening for him and he doesn’t want this. Jin is broken.
Kame doesn’t smile for him when he shows up at his door. Jin kisses him and Kame pushes him away, swigs beer from the fridge and tells him to go, it’s against the rules, remember? Can’t have that anymore, Jin said. Jin kneels at his feet and hooks his fingers in Kame’s belt loops and begs, and it’s completely against the rules, it’s sad and pathetic and weak and gay, and he still doesn’t know what that is, but Jin doesn’t give a fuck anymore and it feels better already just being here. Weak at Kame’s feet rather than strong at someone else’s.
He drops his forehead against Kame’s hip and he still doesn’t let go of his belt loops. After a few moments, Kame’s fingers fall lightly on his hair as Kame opens for him.
They lie together in the dark and speak in soft whispers and warm sighs, and finally Jin understands.
Gay is love.
* * *
A/N: So, I wrote this on a whim this evening, and it turned out better than expected. It’s short and simple, but there’s something I really like about it, so I thought I’d share. Comments are always welcome, if you feel so moved. ;)
Author: FrameofMind
Rating: R
Word Count: ~1,500
Genre: Drama/Romance
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction.
Summary: Jin didn’t really know what gay was when he met Kazuya.
Author’s Note: I followed a train of thought, and this is where it led me. Vaguely inspired by Stephen Fry’s first autobiography, Moab Is My Washpot. (Um…very vaguely, I should stress…)
Learning Curve
Jin didn’t really know what gay was when he met Kazuya.
He knew it was bad. He knew it was something you didn’t want to be. It could ruin your career before it even started. It made you weak and cowardly and strange. It was gross. It was pathetic. Gay meant you would never have any friends and you’d grow up and everyone would hate you and call you names and laugh behind your back as you walked by and give you pitying looks, but not really pity you. Gay meant you were broken.
Jin didn’t ever want to be gay.
But he still didn’t know what it was.
It wasn’t sex. It wasn’t handjobs in the locker rooms or noticing guys’ asses in the shower. It wasn’t seeing each other’s dicks in the bath and maybe even getting hard sometimes, which was funny, but it wasn’t gay. It wasn’t trading blowjobs after class and swigging beer from the machine on the corner with warm cheeks and a satisfied feeling low in your gut. It wasn’t wearing makeup or spending hours in front of the mirror doing your hair or dancing around a stage in sequins and feather boas, and it wasn’t tangling tongues and fumbling hands in the dressing room after the others had gone home. Those were just life. No girls allowed. A hand is a hand, a mouth is a mouth. So what if there’s soft cheekbones and eyeliner and a dick that isn’t yours. It’s just what you need. Everybody does it. As long as you’re not gay, it’s fine.
He wanted Kazuya the first time he saw him. No one else would have picked him out of that lineup, but Jin did. He didn’t even know what for then, because he was fourteen and his own hand was the only one he knew, and anyway he was two whole years older and Kazuya was practically a child and Jin still didn’t know how it worked. He jacked off to the magazine hidden under his mattress and he didn’t even imagine hands or mouths or swigging beer, until one day he saw a pair of them hidden in the subbasement making noises he didn’t know other people ever made. He asked later. Ryo told him the rules.
He watched Kazuya sometimes, even before he knew the rules. In the studio when they were drilling routines, and Kazuya had a huge scrape on his forearm from an ill-judged slide into second base. He was late sometimes, out of breath. He’d smile at Jin when he caught his eye, hold up the latest injured limb like a trophy, and Jin would feel that glow that definitely wasn’t gay, because gay was bad.
After a while the magazine stayed under his bed and it was Kazuya behind his eyelids, because that was okay. That wasn’t against the rules. Kazuya’s mouth in his mind wasn’t against the rules. Sometimes opening for him, sometimes just smiling with a smudge of dirt on his cheek. Pretty. No makeup. He didn’t wear makeup then.
The first time Kazuya touches him is up on the roof, tucked away in that alcove between the door to the stairwell and that little cement bunker that nobody knows what it’s for so they all just call it the safehouse. There’s a signal, nobody bothers anybody. Kazuya is fourteen and Jin is sixteen and Kazuya’s hand is down his pants and it’s nothing at all like his hand and his magazine, or even the Kazuya in his mind. He’s tiny, all limbs and sharp angles and strong for his size, and Jin gets weaker the harder he strokes, and Kazuya’s tongue is in his mouth, and it isn’t gay, not for a second, not even when he comes in Kazuya’s palm, because that’s the way it’s supposed to work. No girls allowed. A pretty boy is just the next best thing. And Jin’s hand next, and soon Kazuya is gasping and no one can hear him but Jin.
It’s stairwells and alcoves and subbasements from there, and Jin holds Kazuya against his chest and tastes the heat in his mouth, tastes Kazuya’s dick because that’s not against the rules either, and it’s not gay. Kazuya opens for Jin in his bedroom when his parents are away, and the magazine’s been thrown out ages ago, the pages stuck together, no longer needed because this is better.
Kazuya’s cheekbones get sharper, and so do his eyebrows, and Jin sees it now, sees the others looking at him. Picking him out of the crowd. Jin saw him first, and they can’t have him. They won’t have him, Kazuya’s smile tells him, and they hide out in a closet between classes just to say hello.
Late at night, when the house is empty except for the two of them, Jin lies beside him and looks down at those bony shoulders and feels how soft and strong they are underneath his fingers, and that laugh runs through him when he says something Kazuya likes. It’s warm, that glow, his smile and his dark eyes that see Jin like no one else sees him, and it’s Jin’s favorite time of day. They don’t swig beer from the machine, and they don’t blush, they just grin and press close, talk in low voices under the sheets until it’s so late it’s almost morning, and then they fall asleep. They’re both late the next day.
Jin turns eighteen, and it’s okay. It’s still not against the rules.
Kazuya turns eighteen and it’s not.
He’s Kame now, and his eyebrows are perfect, and his limbs are too sharp and stronger than ever and he doesn’t smile so much anymore. Jin doesn’t lie with him until all hours of the morning or meet him in the alcove or the subbasement, because that’s against the rules. Jin has girls now, a big slutty poster of one on his wall, and real ones who come back to his place and open for him, and it’s hot. They wear makeup and miniskirts and black lacey bras, and they make Jin come. They laugh and smile and he touches them everywhere, and that’s the way it’s supposed to work. It doesn’t run through him, except when Kame looks away. And maybe Kame has girls too, maybe loads of them, and when he smiles at them maybe they feel that thing that used to be Jin’s but it isn’t anymore. Because it’s against the rules.
Kame’s too close all the time. Too perfect, and it makes Jin’s skin crawl the way he looks in those jeans and he smiles at the screaming crowd. When he turns to Jin he’s still smiling but his eyes aren’t, and there’s nothing there at all, not even pretend. Not even Kazuya on the back of his eyelids. Jin leaves when he can’t stand it anymore. And he has dozens of girls, blondes with big breasts who call him “gin” and don’t hide their faces when they laugh. A hand is a hand and a mouth is a mouth, and there are soft cheekbones and eyeliner and sequins and English and nothing else. Jin comes as she sucks him and he can’t even smile anymore because he’s cold. Pathetic. Broken.
He doesn’t know what he is anymore.
Kame doesn’t smile for him when he comes back. Jin still isn’t there. The alcove is full and there’s a pair in the subbasement and Jin could have a thousand girls kneeling for him every night, but he doesn’t want that. He wants the thing he can’t have. He swigs beer and he checks out guys’ asses in the shower and he gets hard thinking of stuff that’s against the rules only now he doesn’t know why, because this is bad. This is alone, this is weak and cowardly and strange, this is broken. Jin and a girl and her wide eyes that aren’t Kame’s and her breasts and her mouth opening for him and he doesn’t want this. Jin is broken.
Kame doesn’t smile for him when he shows up at his door. Jin kisses him and Kame pushes him away, swigs beer from the fridge and tells him to go, it’s against the rules, remember? Can’t have that anymore, Jin said. Jin kneels at his feet and hooks his fingers in Kame’s belt loops and begs, and it’s completely against the rules, it’s sad and pathetic and weak and gay, and he still doesn’t know what that is, but Jin doesn’t give a fuck anymore and it feels better already just being here. Weak at Kame’s feet rather than strong at someone else’s.
He drops his forehead against Kame’s hip and he still doesn’t let go of his belt loops. After a few moments, Kame’s fingers fall lightly on his hair as Kame opens for him.
They lie together in the dark and speak in soft whispers and warm sighs, and finally Jin understands.
Gay is love.
* * *
A/N: So, I wrote this on a whim this evening, and it turned out better than expected. It’s short and simple, but there’s something I really like about it, so I thought I’d share. Comments are always welcome, if you feel so moved. ;)
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no subject
Date: 2013-09-28 07:02 am (UTC)Spot~
Will read after work is done though >`
no subject
Date: 2013-09-28 10:33 am (UTC)Gay is love <3333
no subject
Date: 2013-09-29 04:20 am (UTC)Yeah, I see the ending as a mixture of sad and happy -- what's really saddest (for me) is the moment before that when he's still trying to pretend to be something he's not. When he gives in (and Kame takes him back), he's relieved of that responsibility. It might not be their happiest moment in itself, but it will lead to happier ones. That's my theory. ;)
Thanks for reading!
no subject
Date: 2013-09-29 04:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-28 10:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-29 04:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-28 10:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-29 04:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-28 10:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-29 04:13 am (UTC)Yeah, the idea first came to me a while ago when I was reading something about homosexuality in Japan (onnagata, samurai and young pages, etc.), and it called to mind the weird, seemingly-arbitrary lines of English public school culture. But there’s probably a reason it ended up as a 1500-word thought experiment instead of something more substantial—I’m not sure how well the theory holds up under close scrutiny. ;)
That is a very screwed-up Jin. >.< And some very nice writing, kudos.
Lol -- agreed. (Another good reason it's short -- less-screwed-up Jin is more fun to hang out with. ;) And thanks!
no subject
Date: 2013-09-28 11:39 am (UTC)Thanks for sharing~
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Date: 2013-09-29 04:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-28 01:50 pm (UTC)quality, not quantity. i'm not surprised you do [always helps when authors actually like their work, no?]. it's quite a brilliant piece of writing. kudos.
he still doesn’t know what that is, but Jin doesn’t give a fuck anymore and it feels better already just being here. Weak at Kame’s feet rather than strong at someone else’s.
took you some time jinnie, but..you got there.
[dear stephen may get me to read his book, after all. and yes, english single sex boarding schools have an awful lot to answer for. even mixed ones. i was jolted a year back, shown a friends vidz of the (still) 'obligatory' end of year drag competitions (judged by girls/teachers). years away from it, and i had forgotten. the english, let it be said, are traditionally very fond of their drag. but it's not gay. never gay. he/you has it spot on. dear stephen may get me to read his book one day, after all].
no subject
Date: 2013-09-29 04:03 am (UTC)Thanks! I appreciate that. ;)
dear stephen may get me to read his book, after all.
He should -- it was really interesting (and enlightening, as it was miles away from anything I ever experienced growing up. Not that American schools don't have their share of problems, but it's a whole different set of issues). I ran out of steam somewhere in the middle of the sequel, but Moab was fascinating.
no subject
Date: 2013-09-28 04:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-29 03:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-28 06:23 pm (UTC)thanks for sharing
no subject
Date: 2013-09-29 03:54 am (UTC)Thanks!
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Date: 2013-09-28 11:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-29 03:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-30 10:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-01 10:22 pm (UTC)Thanks!
no subject
Date: 2013-10-02 01:04 pm (UTC)And then the second paragraph also rings so true. Their are actions, and there's reality, and then there are the labels. I don't really know the right words for what I'm trying to say here, but I loved it.
A hand is a hand, a mouth is a mouth. So what if there’s soft cheekbones and eyeliner and a dick that isn’t yours. It’s just what you need. Everybody does it. As long as you’re not gay, it’s fine.
(If I get into quoting, you'll just end up with your whole fic posted back to you -_-' So I won't)
ehem, now that I've gotten that out of my system, I'll go back and read the rest of it, lol
Oh my gosh, it's so brilliant! I've never felt the need/want to be good at flailing so hard before.
But it's every little thing is perfect. All the stuff about rules and magazines and broken. Because Jin tried to follow everyone else's rules, tried to run from the thing that was cowardly and weak and broken but ended being exactly that, because he wasn't admitting what he really wanted, and really felt.
I love the approach you took to writing this too. Because there are little bits of info/hints that tell so much more then what's written. And the way you referenced the same things but in different ways to show changes in feelings and relationships and etc. Like the magazine, for example, and the images behind his eyelids. I don't know if you've noticed or not yet, but I sort of enjoy reading the angsty/hurt stuff more that fluffy/sweet stuff (although, I do like that too sometimes). And this is right there and perfect because it's struggle but it's also got that sweetness to it.
I really do love your writing. And you seem quick at it too. Every time I go to read Real Life there are more chapters and I realise I actually don't have time to munch my way through the whole lot in one go as I had intended. (I love you icons for that btw. Did you make those pictures? Or just get lucky with the turtle rabbit combo?) I will get to it, but you know I'm slow :p (Still on chapter 13!)
Thanks for deciding to share it :)
no subject
Date: 2013-10-06 12:46 am (UTC)Yeah, I was troubled writing it. ;) It’s one of those things where you cringe and just write down all the horrible things people think and say that you vehemently disagree with, and would normally reject out of hand. That was what I wanted to do with this—start from that horrible place that I have trouble understanding and find my way to a much better one.
Oh my gosh, it's so brilliant! I've never felt the need/want to be good at flailing so hard before.
Lol—you’re pretty good at it… ;)
All the stuff about rules and magazines and broken. Because Jin tried to follow everyone else's rules, tried to run from the thing that was cowardly and weak and broken but ended being exactly that, because he wasn't admitting what he really wanted, and really felt. … And the way you referenced the same things but in different ways to show changes in feelings and relationships and etc.
This is awesome to hear. ;) Because all of that is sort of exactly what I was going for—I always worry when I write stuff like this, because so much of the point is between the lines, and it’s hard to tell if it will come across to someone not in my head. But you got basically all of it, so…yay! ;)
I don't know if you've noticed or not yet, but I sort of enjoy reading the angsty/hurt stuff more that fluffy/sweet stuff (although, I do like that too sometimes). And this is right there and perfect because it's struggle but it's also got that sweetness to it.
Lol. Yeah, as you know, I love the fluff—but I also have sort of a predisposition toward writing things that are a bit angsty, so a lot of my stuff ends up being a combination of the two. Either fluff tempered with insecurity or angst lightened with a joke. ;) I can’t really maintain either one alone for long…
I really do love your writing. And you seem quick at it too. Every time I go to read Real Life there are more chapters
Thank you! ;) And, lol—well, I’m not actually writing Real Life quite as quickly as I’m posting it. I wrote it all before I started posting (I’m just fine-tuning now). It took me about a month—which, admittedly, was on the fast side for a story of that length. The last similar-sized fanfic I wrote took me three and a half years to finally finish—lol. I’ve definitely gotten quicker since then…
(I love you icons for that btw. Did you make those pictures? Or just get lucky with the turtle rabbit combo?)
Solo made the icons for me, so I’m not sure where she got the images. (Aren’t they cute though? ;)
(Still on chapter 13!)
(Progress! Keep reading… ;)
Thanks for the awesome comment! (I love you too, btw! ;)